You met a wonderful person. They seem to fit you in ways that nobody had before, and you do the same for them.
However, you just learned that the person who you are dating is a former drug addict. Perhaps you had never considered that possibility as they had kept that part of their life hidden, and you are stunned.
Whether the above situation describes you to a tee or your circumstances are somewhat different, you want to know where to proceed from here. Fortunately, yes, this partnership absolutely can still work, but it is important to consider the impact of possible obstacles in your paths.
There will likely be challenges, some that you are expecting, others that you had not thought of. These can involve not knowing if you can trust them, money disappearing and the direct ramifications of drug use. Or perhaps the issues will be minimal or nonexistent.
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Understanding Addiction and Recovery
Drug addiction is a disease in which an individual continues to use drugs despite the harm that it causes them physically, mentally and in other areas of their lives, which can be related to finances, family, friends and you. Drug addiction may involve illegal drugs, such as heroin or cocaine, or legal substances, such as alcohol or, legal in many municipalities, marijuana.
Those who are going through addiction recovery often took part in a detox and continued to be treated at a professional facility. Regardless of the specifics, the next step likely involved further recovery and maintenance, which may have included relapses. The long-term goal is, of course, to minimize relapses and to be consistently sober.
Challenges of Dating a Former Drug Addict
Since you are dating a former drug addict, emphasis on former, that means that this person is now mostly or completely recovered from their past experiences. However, do keep in mind that many drug addicts feel that they are never fully recovered and that constant maintenance will always be required. In other words, you, as this person’s partner, should know that a relapse is possible.
In order to limit the potential for relapses, understand what types of triggers the person who you’re dating is attempting to avoid.
Additionally, a common concern that many in your situation deal with is trust issues. In many cases, those who are drug addicts lie a lot, especially if doing so helps them secure more drugs or, in their mind, effectively deal with the ramifications of having used drugs. If trust issues happened between you two, repairing that trust may be a significant challenge.
Also, if they became a former drug addict more recently, not years ago, they may be experiencing significant physical and mental health complications. In fact, this is possible even if it has been years, but it is much more likely if the substance use was recent. A relapse can cause these types of issues to reoccur, perhaps resulting in changes that you had not witnessed before.
Social and Family Dynamics
Know that the person who you are dating may have strained relationships with their family members for this reason and that those interactions may have been much different than they are now. In fact, even if your partner is mostly or completely recovered, those relationships may have remained damaged. Also, relapses have the potential to worsen them.
In addition, if your partner’s former substance abuse is common knowledge in your or their social circles, there may be a stigma and judgement there that could take a long time to overcome, assuming it ever happens. This may or may not be important to you, but it is something to consider.
Building a Healthy Relationship
One of the most important things that you two can do to build a healthy romantic relationship is to ensure that your dialogue is honest and open. This goes both ways as you should also feel comfortable communicating any concerns as well as feedback, both positive and negative.
An essential element of positive communication is voicing your expectations and boundaries. Describe what your boundaries are and what will happen if they are crossed. Most importantly, stick to them. Only communicate repercussions that you will follow through with.
Also be understanding and adaptable to any boundaries that your partner has set for you. These can be directly connected with their former drug use – i.e. helping them avoid relapses – and they can be related to other aspects of their life and your relationship with each other.
You do want to provide emotional support, same as you would anyone who you care for who is experiencing challenging times, but you should also balance that with taking care of yourself. Your well-being is of vital importance as well.
Perhaps most importantly, you do not want to become co-dependent, which means that you had become overinvolved with their addiction. Some describe being co-dependent as, in essence, being addicted to that relationship.
Often connected with co-dependency is enabling. You would be enabling your partner if you eliminate repercussions of drug use, an act that encourages them to continue using drugs and does not entice them to recover.
However, showing support and care is always a positive. Just keep in mind that you can show that support and care for your partner without being co-dependent or enabling them. One phrase that some think of in these more challenging circumstances is “tough love.”
Support your partner’s recovery journey while also ensuring that you are not enabling them or harming your own physical and mental health.
Red Flags and Warning Signs
Of course, the hope is that your partner will never relapse and that their drug use remains fully in the past. However, it is important to recognize signs of relapse in case that occurs.
A common red flag is an increase in other potentially compulsive behaviors, such as an increase in drinking if they had been addicted to heroin or gambling or eating more than is normal for them. If they were previously engaged with the sobriety process, such as regularly attending support group meetings, but this is no longer or rarely the case, that is a warning sign as well.
Being less than a year from the last drug use is a red flag in and of itself.
If you need to speak with your partner about possible or clear resumption of drug use, communicate that with care and without a tone of being judgmental or condescending. You may need to engage in tough love, but if you do, it is because you care about this person. Also be careful with your words if it is not clear that drug use had occurred.
Amidst all of this, take a look at yourself and see if there are any red flags or warning signs that you are putting out that may show you being co-dependent or an enabler. Some include this person’s drug use being the primary mental or financial focus in your life and you becoming isolated from others.
Seeking Professional Help
Seeking professional assistance may help.
One way that this can be done is through counseling.
An option is couples counseling, which would be a good way for the two of you to work through this challenging aspect of your relationship. A therapist can help you two understand how to best set boundaries on both sides and engage in healthy, open communication about this and otherwise.
Individual therapy offers numerous benefits as well. This for your partner could place them in an environment where they feel more comfortable being open than they are in couples therapy. The same can be true of you as well as individual therapy could help you handle the challenges of dating someone who was a drug addict.
Support networks can also be a pivotal resource. Of course, there are 12-step programs, which may or may not work for your partner, and there are alternatives, such as secularly focused support networks.
In addition, there are support groups specifically for people in your situation – i.e. partners of recovering addicts. Al-Anon is an option if alcohol was the drug of choice. That organization also welcomes those with partners who were addicted to other drugs – it says that 35% of its members fit that description – while Nar-Anon is more specifically focused on non-alcohol drug addiction.
Conclusion
Yes, there are challenges to dating a former drug addict, even if no relapses occur, but those can be worked with and, in many cases, ultimately overcome. Being understanding and communicative while setting and adhering to boundaries will help. That said, do also keep in mind that you are not at fault if those challenges become too much for one or both of you to handle.
If you know of a loved one who could benefit from the treatment services that we offer at Long Island Interventions, reach out to us. Our addiction treatment programs are individually focused and effective.
Published on: 2024-08-15
Updated on: 2024-09-23
